In our last podcast, we talked about the 5 Keys to a Healthier Relationship. Discuss don’t attack, keep the voice low and pleasant, stick to the subject, listen to their complaints, and don’t make demands. We also discussed reading an Al-Anon book called the Dilemma of the Alcoholic marriage. Which I highly recommend whether you are married to an alcoholic or not.
Another Key word in communication that is seldom talked about is the old fashion word Courtesy. In the Al-Anon program, we follow the twelve steps like Alcoholic Anonymous (AA). The first step is we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable. My first sponsor used to say. Step one was. I am powerless over people, places, and things and when I interact like I know best for everyone, my life becomes unmanageable. Ha! interesting don’t you think? Nobody could advise better than I.
Frequently I have noticed newly married women or new mothers believe these chosen ones belong to them and somehow these children or partners should conform to us. Maybe if we didn’t dominate them that way, our chosen ones could live a more fulfilled life. Notice they resist our demands, Our partners or children are individuals. A distinctly separate person, a child of God, not our property. Maybe just maybe our domineering ways are destroying our relationships with them and others.
Try approaching the problems simply by following the five keys to communication and leaving the results in God’s hands where it has always belonged. That leaves them with dignity and Grace. So what if they make mistakes. You turned out and you made lots of mistakes along the way.
Now, this brings us back to Courtesy in an intimate relationship. I don’t know about you. I have no difficulty being courteous to strangers and friends. I notice my children and friends don’t have any difficulty doing that either. It is when our strong emotions are involved that we swing to the limits of the pendulum-extremes of demonstrating affection or disapproval. We are so deeply involved that we treat those closest to us as though they were part of us. When they do things that don’t not please us, we fight them instead of fighting our own shortcomings
Have you ever noticed courtesy generates courtesy? It makes you more pleasant with yourself It makes others, particularly those near to you, reconsider their own attitudes. I was listening to a dear friend who has been married for over forty years. She just discovered her husband newly and is more in love with him now, than ever before. She suddenly realized that he was not only her husband but he was a person, an individual, he does a job, he earns a living. He is a person whose life experiences are totally different from hers. He is unique and every way. She suddenly realized she had not been respecting him. When she put courtesy back in their relationship magic started happening. It didn’t happen right away but it has been happening over the last year. It’s funny and sad at the same time. When they first courted they were courteous to each other but somewhere they lost that. Now they are bringing it back and it makes such a difference.
Does your marriage have real courtesy? You might have intimacy, togetherness but do you have courtesy? It seems like such a little thing, It worked for her. Why not try it in all your relationships? I needed to be reminded of that. It might work for you if you have the goodwill and patience to try it. Don’t look to them for courtesy, look over at yourself. Demand that of yourself regardless of what others are doing. You will feel so much better about yourself.
Go for it! I want on my gravestone she burned out instead of rusted out! What do you want them to say about you?
Ask yourself are your actions and speaking in alignment with what you are committed to? Look at what are the habitual patterns that have that commitment thwarted? Are you willing to take responsibility for when it doesn’t go the way you want or the way you expected and clean up your part? Are you willing to let go of Expectations of yourself and others? What are you not being truthful about to yourself and others?
Our thoughts can be like a junk drawer-we need to take inventory and get rid of what is not useful! (wendy b)
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I support women when facing adversity to Reclaim Their Power bringing them more clarity, confidence, and joy. Also, I share my 40 years of experience of being a successful entrepreneur while raising two children who are now adults.
International renowned Transformational Solution Coach, Author
Motivational Speaker, podcaster: Thriving at Sixty
Certified Reclaim Your Power (RYP) Workshop, Leader
Transformational Coach transforming your perception of yourself and others one conversation at a time.
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